Archive | Player Profiles

Player Profile: #17 – ‘Big Time Producer’ Paul Graham

Well, if a player profile is to follow a big game by any player, then we’d have no player profile this week….but we realize an opportunity here at…and that is an opportunity for free Raptors tickets.

In both games he’s played in this year, Paul ‘Get Your Hate On’ Graham has played his game…it’s not exactly hockey…I really don’t know what it is…it’s like gangsta-rap mixed with ice capades mixed with the love of a 70’s porn-star….and that’s the game known as PG (which is short for Paul Graham, in case any of the Greens are reading this)….

Sometimes referred to as ‘Paul’ by his peers, he is often seen no-where near the arena, but instead spends many hours trying to transform basketball into a full contact sport. Rumor in Toronto is that Paul was heavily involved in the trade of Vince Carter – apparently along with the deflated basketball and overage players, the key to the deal was some new VCR’s for the production team – so let’s not be so quick to discount that trade.

Hey Don….Wayne or Bob M….if PG made you read this….I need work…I know there’s no hockey…now’s the time to get your technology in order…call me…

Aside from that, the entire NBA is well aware of PG:

“I can honestly say that it was 100% consensual, and I think PG knows that it was just a really beautful night we had” – Kobe Bryant

“If I have to hear one more time about ‘thats not the way we do it in hockey’, I’m going to strangle my producer” – Chuck Swirsky, voice of the Toronto Raptors

“I gave up dunking, then I started again, then I stopped again, now I dunk again – and PG produced all the drama” – Vince Carter

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Player Profile: #16 – ‘Foxy’ Joe McNeil

As the key factor in the recent Blues slump-breaking win, we thought we’d focus on slick-skating D-man ‘Foxy’ Joe McNeil this week. Joe was raised just outside of South-East Compton (California) – and brings his ultra-urban presence to the rink everynight. Often referred to as ‘J-Dogg’, or ‘Jam master J’ – because of inner-city roots – Joe is on most Friday nights, just one part of the ‘Generations McNeil’ team that haunt Ted Reeve Arena. ‘Generations McNeil’ – a small off-shoot from the Los Angeles ‘Crips’ gang – is made up of members of what he likes to call his ‘family’.

Joe’s style of play is often peppered with urban influence – his choppy skating stride was derived from running away from ‘the fuzz’ at a very young age – and his slick hands are a result of years of training to steal everything from food to electronics.

Joe’s recent 2 goal performance has made him the subject of much conversation back in his homestate of California:

“Fo Jizzle that Joey Bizzle” – Snoop Dogg

“Joe is so hot – I want to make a video with him.” – Paris Hilton

“Hey guys, check out these underwear” – Mike Sullivan

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Player Profile: #24 – Chris ‘Tugger’ McPherson

Chris’ physical play is recognizable both on and off the ice – keeping more then just his opponents on the defense at all times. It is rumored that his anger is actually a result of 4 years of improper medication – erroneously prescribed by a Malaysian doctor in an effort to combat a rare strain of sick-cell enemia. As one of the side effects, his internal ‘rage-control’ system is disabled. His perserverance on the ice has not gone un-noticed by opposition this year:

“Chris is like ‘PG-light’ – but that still makes for an angry ball of hate” – Un-named Black (but he’s a french d-man)

“I don’t like the way he plays – I think it’s dirty, cheap, and a reckless style that is just going to cause one of our NHL-bound players an injury” – Repeated by every Green

“I found he really plays you close – he’s really all over me, even after the whistle” – Mike Emo

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Player Profile: #6 – Steve ‘Howsie, Howie’ Howe

One of the 2 rookies drafted to the Blues this year, Howsie/Howie has joined an already solid blueline core which includes 24 time all-star John ‘Jocko’ Thompson, Joe ‘The Fox’ McNeil and Matt (not Gay) Deffett. His self-claimed ‘5’ rating during draft day made him a ‘can’t-pass’ player, who has fit in to the ‘chaos-defense’ system that the Blues excercise.

On their new team-mate, the Blues had the following to say:

“I think his contributions are really noticeable in a game like the one we just played” – Scott Wagner after a 7-1 loss to the Greens.

“I could really use a new cell-phone, and I think that’s what Howie brings to the table every night – cell phones” – Julian Holland

“What’s not to respect about firemen” – Mike Sullivan

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